Search

Little tiny messes

There’s something about May. New beginnings they say. Sometimes  it’s old things withering away.

I met a man once in May. It was the last one before this one.

I fell in love.

He had two gorgeous human beings with him he called daughters.

I fell in love again: two more times.

I loved them so much they were as one to me. I couldn’t help it, I gave all of me.

I gave and loved as if they were flesh of flesh, bone of bone.

A day came…

They were not there anymore. Choices were made and it could be no more.

My life was pretty quiet until than. My world began to spin and spin.

Little tiny messes all over my car. Little tiny messes now all over my heart.

It wasn’t May yet, Oh but you could smell it in the air

Myself and I picked up my life again with care.

As I sit in the back seat of my car trying to wipe away these little tiny scars…

I see their little tiny finger prints on my windows, I see their little tiny Sunday School art work on the floor

…and I wondered why I ever got mad

….and I wondered why I was so sad

All the mess they had made to my life and to my heart didn’t matter anymore.

I just wanted my little tiny messes back. I just wanted what my heart burned and lacked.

Maybe that’s how God feels about us. Maybe our little tiny messes aren’t such a fuss.

He would rather love you than lose you.

He would take all your little tiny messes and say:

“it doesn’t matter anyway”.

Yes, there is something …something about May.

Prophetic Blssing 4/10/2016

For the past several months now, many things have happened. There has been much loss and much gain. I’ve become a new person inside and out and the birthing pangs have been immense. I had a prophetic word over me at the big International Conference I attended a week ago that left me in tears so when I signed up for another, at the new church I go to, I prayed for encouragement and HOPE. God doesn’t dwell on our pain or our loss. He wants us to focus on what HE is doing in our lives and allow Him to work it all out.

So I proclaimed this year the year of “NO Striving”. I’m going to follow Him and what His Holy Spirit says. So far it has taken me very far and people will just stop in mid-conversation with me to say “wow you’re just so beautiful” or tell me I’m a good person or how awesome I am. I tear up a bit because I know it’s God within me that they see. That finally His work in me is shining through and ALL I can see now is His Goodness. It literally takes my breathe away because all that I am is merely a forgiven sinner who said “pick me LORD pick me to use pick me pleeaase”.

Here is the Prophetic Blessing I received today from a church I call Home now…from a church I’ve been looking for for soooo long. Thank you Jesus, I can finally rest…

 

(excuse the focus on last year’s purse…it was meant to be voice only)

The last thing the woman said to me was that I was blessed and that I WAS a blessing to others. That has been my number one prayer to God for so long. I want to be a blessing and not a burden. I want to help those who are suffering and lost just as I was. I want their pain to end but I want mine too as well. Trust I am well on my way in Christ Jesus.

 

You had me at HELLO

I never considered God to be a passionate lover. He loved me YES! He cared about me and my future YES! He chased after me…hm ok. But passionate lover? Nah, get out of here..this is God we are talking about.

He’s the biggest thing around and deserves our respect and admiration and to be put on a pedal stool handled with care. Passionate lover was not on my list until…

I asked for and was prayed over to have an explosion of of God’s Holy Spirit. That’s when I saw His love flurry up Gold thick bubbling over like volcano lava spreading all through me. It began deep with in my own spirit and I heard Him say:      

                               “I’ve always been with you since the beginning..

                                  You had me at hello…”

Oh the affection He has for us His children is so warm and better than anything you’ll ever experience on this Earth. Even drugs..the legal kind too ha!

You wonder why there are so many Jesus Freaks? Because once you meet the real deal life as you’ve known it is over. The moment you feel how much He loves you no matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been or what you’ve said you can never go back…you’ll never be the same even if you ever do turn your back on His love. His love affects you so deeply and profoundly because He is a PASSIONATE LOVER OF YOU. 

I had HIM at hello… (Astounding)

Me a mere mortal had the Great God of the universe at Hello God, it’s me Raquel. Even at my most disappointed or my angriest fit towards God I had Him at Hello…because HE IS THE PASSIONATE LOVER of His children.

I’m His child. Are you are His child.? Because that’s all that matters to Him. Family. So Just remember…You always have Jesus at Hello..Everytime!!!

Consumed by Love

Let me tell ya, Yesterday was NOT easy. (Attended the Consumed by Love Conference by Catch the Fire ministries)

I had to forgive my parents.

I had to forgive past relationships.

I had to forgive my friggin’ siblings (yak.jk )

SO MUCH work had to be done to get me to the place Jesus needed me to be inside of my heart.

You see I had experienced a disappointment. Because of this great disappointment I lost my trust in God. In the midst of the birthing pangs of my breakthrough I couldn’t hold on any longer. My soul crying out “I tried Lord. I tried. I’m sorry I failed you”.

This in turn started a series of unhealthy relationships.

I was too busy trying to serve God instead of letting Him just love me. Just be His daughter. Let Him do the heavy lifting. But no, I had something to prove. But there is no perfect Christin. He isn’t interested in my perfection. He doesn’t need another Him floating around. One God is plenty thank you Raquel.

Skip a year or so ahead, right after another unhealthy relationship ends, God asks me to do something brilliant:

God: If I can forgive you for what you’ve done the past five or six years than why don’t you forget what you thought your life should look like, and start a renewed trust within me.

Me: Ah Good point. Ok let’s do it.

The next two weeks led me to a deeper more solid supernatural belief in what God has told me. Imagine that. I FINALLY BELIEVED GOD! Wow. Fascinating (lol). With a few bread crumbs, from the Heavenly Father, I was than led to attend the Consumed by Love conference where inner walls were torn down in order for me to clear the path to a deeper Love with God.

God’s Love is not just feelings though. God’s Love are also blessings. He still wanted to give me what He was trying to birth out of me before I had given up. Before I threw in the towel and spiraled out of His will for me.

I just needed to ask.

It just needed to come out of my mouth and profess I believed He would give me the desires of my heart because HE PUT THEM THERE.

You see, I had been trying to do this my ENTIRE life. I just couldn’t. What if it didn’t happen? Where would I be than. On Prozac that’s where!! I mean it’s a great drug and all ha but I would still be in the same place. Silent.

This is what happened at the conference:

Again, as I stated, we supernaturally forgave everyone. I had a good cry over forgiving my step-father. I had done this already for my mom but not him. I didn’t think he deserved it but in order to stop choosing men that made me feel as he did I had to forgive him and rip up anything I thought he owed me as a child.

We also erased the metaphorical sign on our heads that those hurts created and let God put the ones He wanted. I wasn’t sure what mine said but I knew there were at least two. When God rewrote them for me I knew what they were by what he wrote:

Beautiful.

Accepted.

I belong.

I could feel him layer them on me over and over whispering to me these words.

So sweet isn’t He.

I decided instead of chasing the founder of this movement, Carol Arnott, I would just sit in my chair and focus on the three words God gave me so I could get them in my heart. With my eyes starting to tear at these wonderful words, one of the volunteers from the church came directly to me and hugged me. Her words to me were:

“He loves you so much. You have a halo around you (with great surprise). He knows you tried. He knows. He sees your heart. Now he just wants you to rest. See over there, lay down…just lay down and rest.”

So as I lay down on the church floor (yes yes I did just that), the internal struggle begins. Sylvia the volunteer ( I got her name later as I hugged her and almost cried again) hit the nail on the head. I stayed there with God telling me to stop trying so much. Stop trying He said and just rest…rest in me…rest.

*why is this so difficult*

I did just that. Than He said there’s work to be done so get up. I got up and went to lunch. There is time for rest than you get up and move. But there is always time for rest in the Lord. It apparently is essential.

Two more speakers later and the last one wanted to give an anointing of Courage. Heidi Baker was her name and she said it was unusual to do this but she felt this audience needed courage to fight. Not some weak I love you God but a big ROOAAAR!

Imagine that. Courage to the one who can’t even utter what she truly desires out of fear it won’t happen.

I just simply received what the Holy Spirit offered and the courage to speak what I desired came out. See Heidi mentioned a little scripture about God giving us the desires of our heart (Psalms 37:4). What would you ask for if you truly believed He could do this? What is it you’ve been asking Him for already that you are still waiting for a breakthrough?

Now two things came to mine for myself: my career or lack of one and a husband.

But Heidi kept pushing…and pushing. What is it you really want and now ask for it!!

Oddly enough I am one of those individuals who has no idea what she wants and every time she makes a prayer list she tears it up because it’s just not right..it doesn’t fit. Every time I make a list of attributes for a husband I tear it up…it’s just not right..it doesn’t fit.

But she pushes and everything strips away….until I utter exactly what I want.

Lord Jesus my truest heart desire is a family of my very own. A husband and children I give birth to.

…But I didn’t stop there…

I not only want children of my very own but I want many many many others. I’m going to cast my net wide Lord. I’m casting it wide and far and the only way I’m going to love so many children is through your Holy Spirit. So I’ll need you always to help me love those who are unloved and unwanted.

Don’t think for a second that this was a serene scene with the sun rising and flowers blooming..oh no! The ugly cry couldn’t touch the tears rolling down and the snot dripping longingly to the floor I had laid on that morning. Oh what a spectacle I was.

Regardless of my outer self, Jesus was nothing but happy. With beaming eyes of joy He looked down at me and said “I AM SOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!”. I could feel his joy surround my heart and His beaming outline will forever be remembered.

The Reality 

The reality is that somewhere along the way satan, the enemy, mr.skankyPants that slithers around in this world had stolen the dreams God had for me when I was a child. I’m sure He didn’t have to work really hard at doing it with a step-father who made me feel invisible and peers who called me names every day but it was still stolen.

God had been trying to revive it but I threw it off like it didn’t matter much. I deflected by adding it to the list of wants with things like career, job, health, relationships but I wasn’t specific. I never could be. It was so frustrating. The one thing I truly wanted and I couldn’t bring myself to pray for it! Crazzzzyyyyy!! I never knew why but it doesn’t matter now.

Because after all is said and done nothing…I do mean NOTHING means more to God than

family.

I belong to the Creator’s family and being a dad is His most important gig. He wouldn’t want it any other way.

Praise Jesus that He wants me to have that too!

 

 

 

UpLift Someone Today!

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in showing the light of Jesus to complete strangers that we forget to ackknowledge those most closest to us. Let us (me) not make that error again. 

Please everyone lift up one of my closest friends Marcie whom I hope this video is received as a warm hug.   

Faceless til the end: Raquel’s Ruminations.

Will you Love Me?

All this time off of social media and THIS is what I do!

This is for you Nancy….

I believe Fuzzy, your puppet pal, may have a come back with this one!

 

 

Social Calendar Woes…

  

4 parts Love…

If you haven’t guessed it yet, I am a searcher and researcher on love. More specifically, on relationships.

Whatever book on love and relationships I can find to help myself and others I read, listen to, and ponder. That also includes the number one source on Love: The Holy Bible.

There are sooooo many opinions on love. There are soooo many opinions on co-dependency and the willingness to give up or persevere through it.

Some give up and lay love down.They are unable to carry the burden and weight of what comes along with it, while others dig their teeth in as a fighting pittbull would, claiming his last t-bone before the slaughter. Both honorable in their own rite and both choices never easy to make.

Basically, This is what I know…

More accurately, This is what I’ve always known…

Love comes in 4 parts:

Mind, body, spirit, and emotions.

Like an ingredients label on a cake mix, you have to follow the directions or it ..just…won’t..taste..like cake.

Hey hey hey, yeah I know even messed up cake tastes great. I mean it’s chocolate right? But here we are looking for authentic cake. Rich, moist, and fluffy and ready to go so let’s refocus now.

*Gulp* The truth of such ingredients is unsettling to the pallet mainly because most of us never see 100% compatibility of these ingredients in our relationships or marriages. We give in at 70% or 80% believing 100% would be asking for the impossible. A 100% compatibility would be perfection and that is asking too much for two humans!

Oh, but is it?

I would like you all, my dear readers, to meet Bob. (Hi, bob).

I usually see Bob every now and than at the Library. He is what we would term a conspiracy theorist but I do thoroughly enjoy his enthusiasm. I learned a great deal from him today in our very short conversation.

He wanted help copying a marriage contract. That I would of never guessed. I gently inquired about his upcoming wedding nuptials and he said these profound words. Words of course I’ve heard before, but today with Bob, it was refreshing.

Bob: I met a lady. I’ve always thanked God for women they are so precious and dear. I’ve met one that I didn’t think felt the same way about me. But when I professed my love for her she surprisingly felt the same. You see, most people find some sort of compatibility with someone, hopefully the opposite sex but you never know these days, and they marry with 50 or 70 percent of their spirituality or emotions being fullfilled. Sure, they are attracted to each other or can find intellectual conversations stimulating but it’s never 100%. I’ve learned that when you find that 100% in all areas it’s pure joy. What they would call wedded bliss. I’ve been married to the wrong person before. It’s miserable. You are miserable everyday and you don’t want to come home. You thank God you have a job to go to and friends to hang out with so you can get away. You smoke pot or drink or whatever it is to find a mental vacation because you are in misery all the time.

Me: How old are you Bob if I may ask you that.

Bob: 64

64 years and one divorce and he has learned the joys of marriage. Complete compatibility in all areas. Why wouldn’t we experience joy if we could find THAT? Now I ponder what their turn out will be. Is what Bob is experiencing just the the slow fade of first love’s euphoria or has he really found what we are all looking for: his 100% partner.

Some Christians would argue Jesus is the only true 100% for each of us. However,  we aren’t talking perfection in mind, body, spirit, and emotions. No not at all. We are discussing compatibility of souls.

So here’s the big Q.

Are you willing to wait for it?
What if your 100% partner doesn’t come to you until you’re 64? You would essentially lose the opportunity for children or family . YET, you can still say in the end you never settled for less. Would it be worth it?

On the other hand.

Can we realistically call our life a journey if we aren’t willing to let the imperfect sharpen us to move us forward? Should we always protect ourselves from “failing” when those failures are what brings us to our 100% partner?

Bob obviously didn’t wait. I’m sure his future wife didn’t wait for this wedded bliss either. Many many people do not wait. Many many people marry the “wrong” person. Never keep guilt or blame for such things and I will tell you why…

My final thoughts:

Every “wrong” turn and every “failure” we feel is very essential to our journey of self growth. Those things we see as life hardships are there to sharpen our character and draw us closer to our God who wants us to experience all that He is. Our lives are many things to many people while we dig and plunge and even crawl to our final destination. In many cases, in the end we are left with merely our thoughts and memories to keep us warm at night….

So to Bob I say this:

Relish and cherish your newly found 4 parts Love…you absolutely unequivocally deserve it! Right on my Rastafarian Christian brutha! Right on ❤

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑