Let me tell ya, Yesterday was NOT easy. (Attended the Consumed by Love Conference by Catch the Fire ministries)

I had to forgive my parents.

I had to forgive past relationships.

I had to forgive my friggin’ siblings (yak.jk )

SO MUCH work had to be done to get me to the place Jesus needed me to be inside of my heart.

You see I had experienced a disappointment. Because of this great disappointment I lost my trust in God. In the midst of the birthing pangs of my breakthrough I couldn’t hold on any longer. My soul crying out “I tried Lord. I tried. I’m sorry I failed you”.

This in turn started a series of unhealthy relationships.

I was too busy trying to serve God instead of letting Him just love me. Just be His daughter. Let Him do the heavy lifting. But no, I had something to prove. But there is no perfect Christin. He isn’t interested in my perfection. He doesn’t need another Him floating around. One God is plenty thank you Raquel.

Skip a year or so ahead, right after another unhealthy relationship ends, God asks me to do something brilliant:

God: If I can forgive you for what you’ve done the past five or six years than why don’t you forget what you thought your life should look like, and start a renewed trust within me.

Me: Ah Good point. Ok let’s do it.

The next two weeks led me to a deeper more solid supernatural belief in what God has told me. Imagine that. I FINALLY BELIEVED GOD! Wow. Fascinating (lol). With a few bread crumbs, from the Heavenly Father, I was than led to attend the Consumed by Love conference where inner walls were torn down in order for me to clear the path to a deeper Love with God.

God’s Love is not just feelings though. God’s Love are also blessings. He still wanted to give me what He was trying to birth out of me before I had given up. Before I threw in the towel and spiraled out of His will for me.

I just needed to ask.

It just needed to come out of my mouth and profess I believed He would give me the desires of my heart because HE PUT THEM THERE.

You see, I had been trying to do this my ENTIRE life. I just couldn’t. What if it didn’t happen? Where would I be than. On Prozac that’s where!! I mean it’s a great drug and all ha but I would still be in the same place. Silent.

This is what happened at the conference:

Again, as I stated, we supernaturally forgave everyone. I had a good cry over forgiving my step-father. I had done this already for my mom but not him. I didn’t think he deserved it but in order to stop choosing men that made me feel as he did I had to forgive him and rip up anything I thought he owed me as a child.

We also erased the metaphorical sign on our heads that those hurts created and let God put the ones He wanted. I wasn’t sure what mine said but I knew there were at least two. When God rewrote them for me I knew what they were by what he wrote:

Beautiful.

Accepted.

I belong.

I could feel him layer them on me over and over whispering to me these words.

So sweet isn’t He.

I decided instead of chasing the founder of this movement, Carol Arnott, I would just sit in my chair and focus on the three words God gave me so I could get them in my heart. With my eyes starting to tear at these wonderful words, one of the volunteers from the church came directly to me and hugged me. Her words to me were:

“He loves you so much. You have a halo around you (with great surprise). He knows you tried. He knows. He sees your heart. Now he just wants you to rest. See over there, lay down…just lay down and rest.”

So as I lay down on the church floor (yes yes I did just that), the internal struggle begins. Sylvia the volunteer ( I got her name later as I hugged her and almost cried again) hit the nail on the head. I stayed there with God telling me to stop trying so much. Stop trying He said and just rest…rest in me…rest.

*why is this so difficult*

I did just that. Than He said there’s work to be done so get up. I got up and went to lunch. There is time for rest than you get up and move. But there is always time for rest in the Lord. It apparently is essential.

Two more speakers later and the last one wanted to give an anointing of Courage. Heidi Baker was her name and she said it was unusual to do this but she felt this audience needed courage to fight. Not some weak I love you God but a big ROOAAAR!

Imagine that. Courage to the one who can’t even utter what she truly desires out of fear it won’t happen.

I just simply received what the Holy Spirit offered and the courage to speak what I desired came out. See Heidi mentioned a little scripture about God giving us the desires of our heart (Psalms 37:4). What would you ask for if you truly believed He could do this? What is it you’ve been asking Him for already that you are still waiting for a breakthrough?

Now two things came to mine for myself: my career or lack of one and a husband.

But Heidi kept pushing…and pushing. What is it you really want and now ask for it!!

Oddly enough I am one of those individuals who has no idea what she wants and every time she makes a prayer list she tears it up because it’s just not right..it doesn’t fit. Every time I make a list of attributes for a husband I tear it up…it’s just not right..it doesn’t fit.

But she pushes and everything strips away….until I utter exactly what I want.

Lord Jesus my truest heart desire is a family of my very own. A husband and children I give birth to.

…But I didn’t stop there…

I not only want children of my very own but I want many many many others. I’m going to cast my net wide Lord. I’m casting it wide and far and the only way I’m going to love so many children is through your Holy Spirit. So I’ll need you always to help me love those who are unloved and unwanted.

Don’t think for a second that this was a serene scene with the sun rising and flowers blooming..oh no! The ugly cry couldn’t touch the tears rolling down and the snot dripping longingly to the floor I had laid on that morning. Oh what a spectacle I was.

Regardless of my outer self, Jesus was nothing but happy. With beaming eyes of joy He looked down at me and said “I AM SOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!”. I could feel his joy surround my heart and His beaming outline will forever be remembered.

The Reality 

The reality is that somewhere along the way satan, the enemy, mr.skankyPants that slithers around in this world had stolen the dreams God had for me when I was a child. I’m sure He didn’t have to work really hard at doing it with a step-father who made me feel invisible and peers who called me names every day but it was still stolen.

God had been trying to revive it but I threw it off like it didn’t matter much. I deflected by adding it to the list of wants with things like career, job, health, relationships but I wasn’t specific. I never could be. It was so frustrating. The one thing I truly wanted and I couldn’t bring myself to pray for it! Crazzzzyyyyy!! I never knew why but it doesn’t matter now.

Because after all is said and done nothing…I do mean NOTHING means more to God than

family.

I belong to the Creator’s family and being a dad is His most important gig. He wouldn’t want it any other way.

Praise Jesus that He wants me to have that too!