27 Dresses the movie has nothing on me. I have watched countless people in my life get married.

I usually joke and say:   “If one more person has their wedding on a Saturday I work, I’ll have my wedding on a Tuesday just to see who really loves me”.

I’m literally the Last..Woman..Standing, in my own tiny universe, that hasn’t married.

I take the unity of marriage very seriously just as seriously as I take the word love. Love and marriage are two things in this life I’ll never say or do unless I mean it. That you can take to the ATM.

However, I sit here staring up to the dimmest sky and pondering the jest and pondering the why?

How can so many of these marriages be in turmoil? How can all that has been put together vanish into divorce? Women who are the similar age as me, married the loves of their lives. Now, 10 or so years later, I get to see the inner unmaking of a great love. I pull and tug and cajole my heart to stay still and not to move. Not to shut itself off to love and marriage. Well..may not love.

You see, I’ve just ended yet another relationship. I must admit this one was different. He was my soulmate and I’m still very much in love with him. But he wasn’t ready.

I can usually see the ending to most of the relationships I get into. I go into them knowing full and well it will end but with the hopes and dreams that I am wrong. I want to be wrong so badly. The only time really.

I could tell in this last one that things would work backwards. The first five years would be full of turmoil but the rest of the remaining years came with a sense of “clear skies”. I couldn’t see an ending for the first time in my 34 years.

I suppose I have what the Christian community would call a “discernment” when it comes to people’s “soulmates”. I believe we all have many souls that are meant to come into our lives to change and challenge us but I believe there is one that is meant just for you: just for marriage. I can tell when you are with that person. I dare not tell those who do not ask. I only say anything at all if they are to marry. Honestly by than,  it just sounds like I’m gushing. Which is a safe place to be indeed.

Do I have the same discernment for myself..sure..I suppose in a way. I know I am being put through a series of tests. Not in a “pass or fail” sense but a test of readiness..Is Raquel ready for what I have for her next? God waits and listens for the perfect moment. That moment I feel grows nearer and nearer with each passing relationship.

I have learned so much from my soulmate and I yearn for the very best for him. I hope he makes it. I hope he finds a deeper love for Jesus, so that he can make it. Pray for him my dear readers.

More importantly, I finally have surrendered to God’s will in this. I will be ok with whatever He decides. Deep inside I have a desire for marriage, love, and a family of my very own but I give my soulmate and me up to Him. Whatever you choose Lord, I will accept. I will accept God’s fair and perfect will.

That my friends has made all the difference.

I breathe freer and I rest securely in the knowledge all will be alright.

True failure is not that you didn’t do everything right or righteously. True failure is staying right where you are: never learning and growing from your experiences. Failure is not moving forward. Failure is believing your FEARS instead of God’s truth that He will always be with you thick or thin: faithful or unfaithful.

So..

I pray those who are in unhappy marriages find this same peace. To let go of what you can not change and pray for guidance for those things that you can. Your marriage is worth fighting for and don’t let anyone make you feel foolish for doing so. Yes, I’m seeing marriages that are “failing” but I’ve seen so many that have flourished because of that “failure”. These people stayed and prayed and now have a shining marriage to show for it.

When I get discouraged about such things I look at these people. I look at their happiness now and how much more closely bonded they seem than these couples I see who are falling apart.

It took BOTH people wanting to save their marriage and working EQUALLY as hard to get there. I call it “contorting”. The amount of pulling and tugging and stretching one might see in a scene from the ever popular Cirque du soleil. However simple or complicated the maneuver it: always takes two. An inward duel to the death being transformed into an outward dance of affirmation and love will not come to fruition if Mrs. Party of One shows up hauling a sack of dead weight trying to pass it off as her date. Dead weight spouse or not, being the only one working on or in a relationship becomes exhausting. One can not carry the weight and burdens on their own: their must be two efforts exerting in the same direction. One just won’t do.

I had a wise friend say to me recently “you look weak when you are broken when it really is the beginning of your strength. God wanting to build you stronger from the floor up”. What looks like you failing is just you beginning your journey of strength. At first you can’t keep up and you feel surpassed by everyone else and all you can think is ” I’m barley keeping my head above water, how will I survive this?”. Even through the surges of the impending crashing waves above your head, YOU stayed the course and will be stronger and more prepared for it.

That’s how I see my journey now. Sure I’m the Last..Woman..Standing…but I’m a lot wiser about who I am and I know my value. It took soooo long but I’ll be stronger, better, more enriched having done the inner work outside of marriage than in it.

Prodded and kneaded for 3 decades and today I finally see some of the precious decedent baked goods. Ah, it smells rather like home if I do say so myself.

Much love,

Raquel

Faceless til Feb 1st.

To you my David….